A checkered mesh of mysteries have accompanied the release of Matthew Vaughn鈥檚 There is the promoted one: Who is the 鈥渞eal鈥� Agent Argylle? Then there鈥檚 all the (baseless) conjecture over whether argyle aficionado Taylor Swift . But most of all: Why two L鈥檚? While we can finally put to rest the first two puzzles, we鈥檙e left to posit that the spelling must be to differentiate the movie for those who just want to buy a pair of socks.
The socks would be a wiser investment. 鈥淎rgylle,鈥� a $200 million production from Apple Films opening in theaters Thursday, is a big bet to kickstart a new spy series, presumably with iterations to follow such as 鈥淧laidd鈥� and 鈥淗erringbonne.鈥�
Criss-crossing patterns of ridiculousness and self-satisfaction run through 鈥淎rgylle,鈥� a tiresome meta movie that puts an awful lot of zest into an awfully empty high-concept story.
There are all kinds of dumb movies. It can even be a good quality. 鈥淪tep Brothers,鈥� for instance, is a brilliantly dumb movie. 鈥淎rgylle鈥� knows it鈥檚 preposterous and it鈥檚 trying to have fun with that. But it鈥檚 a strained, unimaginative effort, over-reliant on twists and needle drops, that leaves 鈥淎rgylle鈥� on the bad side of dumb. The best that you can say about 鈥淎rgylle鈥� is that it comes by its dumbness genuinely.
Bryce Dallas Howard stars as Elly Conway, a bestselling spy novelist who lives quietly with her (CGI enhanced) cat, Alfie, while conjuring globe-trotting adventures for her agent Argylle. The movie鈥檚 clunky prologue plunges us into his world, as Argylle (Henry Cavill) dances with and then pursues a slinky target (Dua Lipa, whose few minutes in the film may be its best).
While Elly mulls a new ending for her fifth book, she鈥檚 thrown into a real-world espionage thriller. While on the train, an actual, more scruffy-looking spy, Adrian (Sam Rockwell), approaches her just as mean-looking guys are closing in. Throughout the encounter, Elly blinks and sees Argylle in the place of Adrian, a bit of fiction-vs-reality that will play throughout 鈥淎rgylle鈥� in mostly uninteresting ways.
It鈥檚 a premise familiar from better movies like 鈥淩omancing the Stone鈥� or But while those films filled their adventures with comedy, 鈥淎rgylle鈥� is surprisingly unfunny, a lacking Jason Fuchs鈥� script tries to make up for with one switcheroo after another. Eventually, the whole movie feels like a joke, even if contains few of them.
The actors nearly keep the movie鈥檚 absurd plate-spinning going. Among them are Bryan Cranston as the head of a shadowy organization called the Division, and Catherine O鈥橦ara as Elly鈥檚 mother. But roles are fluid in 鈥淎谤驳测濒濒别.鈥� It鈥檚 a testament to Howard鈥檚 charm that 鈥淎rgylle鈥� is watchable, at all, and Rockwell, too, elevates the material.
Vaughn鈥檚 knack for combining a smirky sense of humor with flashy, slo-mo ultra-violence has previously won him fans in the 鈥淜ingsman鈥� film series. He delights in running spy tropes through an irreverent wringer. (If 鈥淜ingsman鈥� was a 007 riff, 鈥淎rgylle鈥� cribs from 鈥淏ourne.鈥�) His movies, while often colorful and spirited, are slyly nasty with a slightly obnoxious juvenile underpinning of 鈥渃an you believe I鈥檓 really doing this in a studio movie?鈥�
With enough plot twists to make a daytime soap blush, 鈥淎rgylle鈥� shows just how little that can add up to. You might think: spy movie, fun actors, pleasing diagonal lines 鈥� how bad can it be? As much as we all could use a fun movie for fun's sake, you, too, may have your concerns about the limits of such pointlessness around the time when Bryce Dallas Howard glides across an oil spill on skates of knives. Plus, no movie genuinely interested in a good time would dare not give Catherine O'Hara room to be funny. All she needs is an inch.
In the end, the mysteries that surrounded 鈥淎rgylle鈥� ahead of its release were far more intriguing than those that play out during its lengthy runtime. Those questions go more like: Are they really repeatedly using the Apple Music tie-in ? And: This film can鈥檛 be 139-minutes long, can it?
If there鈥檚 one person who seems to have the right idea in 鈥淎rgylle,鈥� it鈥檚, as usual, Samuel L. Jackson. He has some vague role that requires him to await an important transmission from Adrian. But this effectively means he spends much of the movie far from the action, drinking red wine and watching the Lakers game. Smart guy.
鈥淎rgylle,鈥� a Universal Studios/Apple Studios release, is rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association for strong violence and action and some strong language. Running time: 139 minutes. One and a half stars out of four.
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Jake Coyle, The Associated Press
