It鈥檚 almost impossible not to lavish praise on our children. But mounting research suggests that rather than boosting our child鈥檚 confidence, our constant compliments may be creating praise junkies with low self-esteem who are terrified of challenge and failure.
Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist who has studied the power of praise, became curious why some students persisted in the face of failure while others quit when things got tough.
Those who quit, she discovered, felt intelligence was fixed and couldn鈥檛 be improved. They placed a high value on success and felt that failing 鈥� or even having to try hard 鈥� would be perceived as low intelligence.
In contrast, those who persisted saw intelligence as incremental and seemed unthreatened by failure, Dweck said.
The way in which they were praised as children, she said, may be a clue to this mindset.
For example, if we applaud good grades over the hard work behind them, she said, what the child hears is, 鈥淚f success means I鈥檓 smart, then failure must mean I am dumb.鈥� This sort of praise may unknowingly lead children into believing that intelligence is fixed, she said. Their self-esteem peaks in the presence of praise but plummets without it, and they feel pressured to protect their 鈥榮mart鈥� label, making them more reluctant to take on challenges for fear of failing.
Conversely, Dweck noted, children praised for their effort rather than the result had a stable self-esteem and were more likely to relish challenges.
It鈥檚 something Lorraine Teanby, executive director of Platypus Playcentre in Squamish, recognizes. 鈥淚f you say things like, 鈥榊ou got an A+ on that report, I鈥檓 really proud of you,鈥� that child will then strive to get A+ to please the parent, and if they fail they feel like a failure internally鈥� it lowers their self-esteem.
鈥淲hereas, if you were to say, 鈥榃ow, you worked really hard and you got an A+, you must feel really proud of yourself,鈥� that puts it back on the child鈥�. It helps them feel really proud of themselves and promotes self-esteem.鈥�
Emma Moses, a speech-language pathologist and behavioural consultant and a mother of three, agrees. 鈥淲e want our children to value their own effort as opposed to the outcome,鈥� she said.
鈥淚f I child gets 10 out of 10 for a spelling test they鈥檝e worked hard on, fantastic. Go for gold and say how brilliant they are. But if it鈥檚 a case of saying you鈥檙e so clever because you brushed your teeth鈥 think that鈥檚 where it鈥檚 gone off the rails a bit, when ordinary tasks have become monumental achievements,鈥� she commented.
Musical instruments, Moses explained, are a great tool for teaching children that improvement comes through effort. 鈥淲hen you鈥檝e practised the piano and get really comfortable playing the piece, it鈥檚 the joy of being able to play it that is the reward.鈥�
Squamish鈥檚 Mini Metal and Youth Triathlon are also great opportunities for children to learn the value of effort and personal best, without necessarily winning, she said. 鈥淐oming last鈥� or even just making it up the hill on your bike is the reward. I think that鈥檚 what you want to teach kids 鈥� that effort and completion is accomplishment, not accomplishment itself.鈥�
Retraining our auto-praise-pilot takes practice, however, it鈥檚 worth it, said Teanby. Offering encouragement over praise helps boots self-esteem, self-awareness and self-regulation, and supports children in becoming emotionally grounded, she explained.
When a child asks, 鈥淒o you like my painting?鈥� Teanby said, 鈥渕y response would be, 鈥榊ou鈥榲e used lots of colours and you鈥檝e worked really hard on that painting. Do you like your painting?鈥� and then they might respond, 鈥榊es I do.鈥� Then you could say, 鈥楪ood for you.鈥欌��
Or, rather than saying, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 a beautiful drawing, aren鈥檛 you fabulous?鈥� Moses suggests saying, 鈥淚 see there鈥檚 some yellow, tell me about that.鈥�
If asked by a child whether you like their dress, Teanby鈥檚 response would be: 鈥淵ou鈥檙e wearing a dress with flowers today.鈥�
She explained: 鈥淚f you say you like their dress, another child might wonder why you haven鈥檛 said you like their dress, which again affects self-esteem. Or the next day, you may not comment to that child about the clothing they鈥檙e wearing, which then makes them internalize those feelings because they鈥檙e looking to you for that acknowledgement or praise that they鈥檙e so pretty.鈥�
Encouraging language can also help support a child through challenges. Teanby suggests saying, 鈥淚鈥檓 right here with you, I鈥檓 right here next to you鈥�. Let鈥檚 do this together, I鈥檓 here to help you.鈥�
If they鈥檙e experiencing nerves before a swimming lesson, Moses suggests saying: 鈥溾�榃e鈥檙e going to take big, deep breaths. You can look at me, I鈥檓 going to be waiting for you, waving to you from the pool. I know you can do it. Have brave thoughts.鈥欌��
Supportive language can be empowering, especially for anxious children, said Moses; teaching them the ability to regulate calmness will serve them throughout life.
She added, 鈥淚t鈥檚 also really important for children to see their parents challenge themselves,鈥� and for them to not always be successful, to try again and for that to be OK.
She gives the example of a father baking a cake for the first time. 鈥淒ad鈥檚 making a cake, and he鈥檚 never cooked a cake in his life, but wow, look at Dad.鈥� And if the cake doesn鈥檛 turn out, that鈥檚 OK, she said, because it鈥檚 the language we use to support our partners while trying that matters.
Remain positive if mistakes are made, said Teanby. She suggests saying: 鈥淵ou tried. You must feel really proud of yourself that you tried. We can try again tomorrow.鈥�
Stacey Tucker, a mother of two, learned during her Early Childhood Education training in Australia that there was more to be offered than simply praise.
In response to her two active boys who love taking jumps on their bikes, she explained, 鈥淚鈥檒l say to them, 鈥楬ow did that feel?鈥� And they might say, 鈥業t was a bit scary actually,鈥� or, 鈥業t feels really fun.鈥� Had I said, 鈥楪ood job,鈥� I would have not given them that opportunity鈥� so I ask them a lot about how it feels.鈥�
They also both love Lego but rather than simply admiring what they build, she said, 鈥淚鈥檒l wander over and say鈥︹�楥an you tell me what鈥檚 happening here?鈥� or 鈥榃hat happens if I go through this door?鈥欌��
Using language like this, she said, helps eight-year-old Gus and five-year-old Henry feel personal pride and supports them in challenging situations which, for Henry, might be the frustration of learning to write his name. Acknowledging feelings and working together to find a solution helps him figure out the next step, which can sometimes be a fresh sheet of paper or just some space to try again, Tucker said.
Parenting is about doing your personal best, said Teanby.
And although Tucker has been practising encouragement over praise for years, 鈥楪ood boy鈥� still occasionally sneaks out 鈥� because, she said, we鈥檙e only human.
